13.2.12

blue

blue
blue
blue
blue
blue

my recovery regime ::  loads of kusmi tea and chocolate sent by kind friends + comfy clothes (the top and camp socks from doug and bottoms from my sister jenah have kicked my usual "athletic huxtable" look up a notch) + plenty of knitting (why yes, i have taken up designing doll clothes in my spare time. and sometimes i talk to the dolls.  and they always understand me.) 

it's getting to be a challenge to not feel blue about still being sick.  a recent unexpected emergency room trip (that's dumb, when do you expect to go to the e.r.?) sent us into a spiral of more tests and no real answers yet.  everything was really starting to wear on all of us, and then some people stopped by unannounced to just sit and visit.  the house is in a constant state of mess, i'm usually far from presentable and i'm starting to really care less.  the most recent visitors did so much to lift my spirits.  their encouraging words gave me a burst of hope.  right after they left, i was listening to a podcast that mentioned that patients in hospitals who are told encouraging words actually have a much higher chance of recovering faster.  i believe it.

the emotional challenge of whatever is going on is hard, but i still feel so well cared for.  just when we need it, we'll get a call, a text, an email, a care package in the mail, or someone stopping by with dinner.  it's making me realize that the thoughtfulness and kindness behind what you do is just as sustaining as the physical act of taking care of others.

44 comments:

  1. oh elly, such a hard time. There are lots of people in this internet-land that care and think about you, in a good, not creepy way. ;)I hope you get some answers soon, and take care of yourself! Things can only get better!

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    1. Martha, it's so nice to know people care, so thank you for stepping out and saying it. This whole experience has made me realize that I need to say more when I hear people are going through something rough. It's been helping me out so much that people don't hold back!

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  2. I couldn't go without just saying how sorry I am to hear that you are still sick. I have no idea what is going on, but it sounds like it is quite draining, and I just wanted you to know that I hope you get well very soon! I've been inspired by so much of your knitting, and it keeps me dreaming up new creations of my own! Get better soon!

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    1. I'm so glad you said something, Erin! It's been so emotionally challenging to not even be able to get out of bed most days, much less get outside! The knitting has really been helping me out a ton, giving me something small to work on each day, so thanks for encouraging me to share!

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  3. it's true you know... even though a lot of us only know eachother through the lovely blog world... we all care... i think you're pretty amazing, you know... i love your blog. and i find it such an inspiration.. and very uplifting too! i do hope you find some answers soon. xo

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    1. Thank you, Rebecca! I'm so thankful for the kindness of "strangers," so thanks for saying something! I have a hard time navigating what to say and what's appropriate to share on here (i let the fear of that "don't be so negative" email or anonymous comment dictate too much of what I say, i'm sure), but people like you help me out!

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  4. I'm so sorry you are still sick and hope that things start looking up soon. I think your blog is just lovely and so are you! so thank your for posting even though you've been feeling bad. As Martha said, there are a lot of internet-land people that are wishing the best for you.

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    1. Thank you, Suzeq22knits! It's so nice to have an outlet, even though I don't always feel up to sitting down and writing. I've had a lot of time on my hands to rifle through the maze of beautiful blogs out there, which has my inspiration tank overflowing!

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  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. Sending many, many well wishes your way!

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    1. Rachel, thank you for your well wishes! We need them! I have been glancing down at my dash ring every time I knit. I love simple elegance of your jewelry. Someday, I'll make Doug buy me another!

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  6. Sending good, healthy vibes your way, Elly! I'm sorry you're still coping with so much uncertainty and stress and truly hope that you get some answers and are feeling much, MUCH better very soon. xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Jennifer! You're so kind to keep tracking with me and always give me feedback on here. Everyone's uplifting words have been so refreshing! This week has been going much better too, which I hope to post about here soon.

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  7. I know what it's like to deal with a chronic problem and not have an answer. I really hope that you feel well soon, and that through this period in your life you're encouraged and feel the love that others have for you. :)

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    1. Thank you, Caitlin! It's scary, isn't it? And the worry helps nothing, so it's like you have to constantly track how much you're internalizing. I just can't believe how kind people have been to me through this - I didn't realize just how much a part of the healing that is until now! I think as a kid, I took my parent's care for granted. Now that i'm out on my own and have a family to care for, I suddenly feel desperate!

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  8. It can be so scary to be sick and not know what it is! Wishing you wellness very very soon! Take care!

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    1. Thank you, Emily! If I didn't have people around me to help me through it, I'd feel like I was going crazy! It's such great news to get tests back that show nothing, and yet you sit there going, "well wait, why am I here then?" With my recent surgery, I'm just so glad they didn't find something scary that's wreaking havoc on my insides!

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  9. I am inspired by how you still have the strength to capture (and to want to capture) beautiful images while you're getting through this. It made me stop lurking and comment. I wish you well, and thank you.

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    1. Juliane, that is so nice of you to say, especially since taking pictures has been such a struggle lately. The recent photos of my knitting projects were especially challenging, probably because I didn't have the energy to get the lighting to cooperate. I wish that I had the ability to share the beauty of the mess of my house! Seeing the clutter makes me shudder! Unintentional rhyme.

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  10. I know I'm just a blog reader and a total stranger to you, but my heart really has been going out to you and your family lately. I'm glad you have people around you who care for you and lift your spirits!

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    1. Samantha, thank you for saying something even if you are a stranger! I'm not kidding, the kind words from the people around me and the people on here have done so much to lift my spirits and even make me feel physically better! I always fear that people on blogs are going to think i'm a creep if i'm like, "you don't know me, but i'm thinking of you!" Thank goodness people here don't think that!

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  11. The unexpected side of pain and illness is incredibly hard to deal with. It's like you can cope with the illness you know, because it becomes almost routine, even though you don't like feeling that way, and then when something new crops up, it can feel like too much, like your body is betraying you. I am happy you are surrounded by a family who loves you and great friends to stop by and lift up your spirits. I think all of your coping mechanisms are awesome--what could be better than chocolate and delicious tea and doll clothes and printed leggings? Sending you good thoughts for health and answers that make sense and lots of hope and happiness. Take care, Elly.

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    1. Thank you, Kristien! It's so true! I get more and more scared (read: crazy) when I don't have answers. I lose a lot of steam when talking to doctors as soon as they start to get that puzzled look, too. And every test seems to lead to another (unrelated?) problem, so it's stressful anytime they start looking into things. I feel like one big lemon of a car!

      The stress has been so hard on all of us, and I'm so thankful to have Doug who's really pushing through it all right along side of me. Actually, it feels more like he's having to carry me on his back! It's brought out the ugliest sides of the both of us, and he just keeps holding my hand through it all. God bless him!

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  12. i'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with another bout of medical issues. trips to the e.r. and round after round of tests with nothing conclusive...so frustrating and wearing on the soul. not knowing is awful, and i hope things become clearer soon. thinking of you and doug and tova!

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    1. Erica, wearing on the soul - that's exactly it! For a while, I felt okay with just taking it a step at a time, but then I started to get really scared about there not really being an end in sight! It's hard to explain too, since I feel so thankful that nothing is coming back showing that it's life threatening, or like there's going to be any long term damage from this. It can drive me nuts not having a good reason as to why I can't function at top-speed though, so in a lot of ways, whatever is slowing me down has forced me to come to grips with the fact that running at top-speed isn't all that important anyway. Not having to psych myself up to taking a shower all day long would be nice, though.

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  13. sorry to see you're still going through this - sending well wishes and good thoughts. i hope you find out what is going on so you can have some peace. i'm sure delicious chocolate and tea must help a bit...

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    1. Debbie, the chocolate and tea MUST be helping because this week has been so much better! Honestly though, I think the kind words have had more of a hand in it, so thank you for taking the time to stop and say something encouraging.

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  14. if a certain portland girl wanted to send you a little mail love, would you want to pass along your address?

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    1. Cara! That is so kind and thoughtful of you, I'd love to! I have been wanting to write you a decent letter ever since Little Winter. I wish I would have had more time to spend with you. I just searched my email - is the carad... at gmail address still the one you use? Where have you been communicating with me because I know you have and cannot find anything except an email from 2009!

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  15. sending you well wishes, feel better soon, smile to your face and a virtual hug from a stranger in Michigan who cares.
    XOXOX

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    1. so well said - more kind thoughts and hugs sent to you elly.

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    2. Thank you, Kim! The virtual hugs from strangers have been more helpful than I could have expected, so thank you!

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    3. And Jenna, my brain is such a fog lately so thanks for your encouragement and thoughtfulness!

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  16. just said a prayer for you and your family. you don't know me, but your style and creativity and spirit really inspire me. get better soon!

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    1. Kelsey, thank you for your prayers, we need them! And thanks also for your kind words - it's hard not to feel down, so i appreciate you taking the time to be encouraging!

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  17. Wishing you lots of well wishes and I hope you find answers to questions very very soon and that it is all good news. x

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    1. Sara, thank you so much! This second half of the week has been so much better than any in the last couple months, so I feel encouraged and restored. Even if things keep going in that unpredictable way they have been, i'm so thankful for the respite.

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  18. Just want to let you know there is one more person here in Kansas saying a prayer for you and your family. Thank you for all the lovely inspiration you continue to give generously. Hope you get some answers and a course of action soon that allows you to feel better! Lots of warm love and well wishes!

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    1. Such kind words, Welliewalks! Thank you for them. And thank you for your prayers! I think they've been working. This last half of the week has been so much better than the others over the last couple months.

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  19. stay strong elly. it's hard to hear someone so young and talented not feel their best. i know how tough it can be as i struggle with a mystery illness myself and it's hard not only on me but my family too. i hope you find the answers you need in order to get better real soon.

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    1. Thank you, C! It's hard not to feel like a dead weight, even if people aren't making you feel like that, right? I've never felt on the strong end of the spectrum, but being really helpless is sometimes embarrassing, frustrating and can't help but illuminate some "interesting" things buried pretty deep in my heart. There's no better way to show the things that I think i'm entitled to than by taking them away for a while!

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  20. i've been so refreshed by all your kind comments, so i'm going to try to answer each one of you here and thank you. nevermind, i just saw that you can reply individually to each comment. thanks for the nice feature, blogger!

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  21. big hugs, elly. here's hoping it sorts itself out soon. and the cure is more chocolate :) x

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  22. well wishes from across the ocean. x

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  23. Hi Elly :) Isn't medical stuff the worst? I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, I really am. For a long time I didn't know where to put my anxiety, I would internalize it a lot like you mentioned, but then it kept creeping out in different ways that I had to deal with it. I keep hoping that science has answers to all our problems, but it's seems these days science makes things even more complicated! Waiting for test answers, then not having conclusive answers, it just seems like a circle that never goes anywhere. While in some ways, no news is good news, it's not! We want to know what's going on with our bodies. I really appreciate that you are able to share all this with us, so thank you.

    I love that teeny little sweater :)

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